So it’s late and a thought comes into your head. “Am I doing the best for my family?” Now, for some people there is a yes answer and others a no answer. It’s never an easy answer.

I can’t count how many times I sat in my rocking chair holding my little girl, crying because of how tired I was. While my husband was fast asleep in bed. “Why won’t she stay asleep? What am I doing wrong?” Sometimes kids decide they want their own sleep schedule. But I know other parents might not struggle in the sleep department. Right before we had Luna, I thought it was going to be a breeze at night. I thought she would sleep in her crib and that I’d be able to get up to nurse her when I needed. That was not the case. I had a rough recovery. And it did not help with awful neighbors that lived above us. Anytime Luna cried the man above us stomped his feet to get me to be quiet. In the day time, his 4 year old daughter would run, jump and scream when Luna needed to be down for a nap. Thus began the sleeping in our arms all the time otherwise she’d sleep for 5 minutes only. Throwing her off a sleep schedule. Then once I had recovered post pregnancy, I found I had a hard time holding her when I was half awake. I can admit, I almost dropped her so many times. In fear of dropping her I was told I could lay down to feed her. That began the co-sleeping. Now at 9 months old we are trying to get her to sleep in her play pen. She’s still in the room with us, only I’m trying to not do a night feeding. Her doctor has mentioned it at 6 months she doesn’t need to be fed through the night. Which with his knowledge I’m sure he is correct. But it’s what she is used to so it makes it harder to stop. My heart breaks when she cries. But I know she’s safe, she’s not in danger, she’s fed, and she has a clean diaper. It still doesn’t make it easy. My husband is ready to have his wife back at night. And have her in her own room. But it’s me who’s not ready.

When others ask if she’s sleeping through the night or in her own bed, I cringe. “Am I hurting her if I’m not ready for her to be in her own bed?” Admitting that she sleeps with us still they proceeded to tell us it becomes harder to have her sleep alone the later we are, and all I hear is my husband saying “like I said already. And you didn’t listen.” Yet when we are alone he tells me he will follow my lead and when I’m ready we will put her in her own bed. I know why I am not ready yet to put her in her own bed. And maybe you other Mammas might be in the same boat. I’m scared something will happen. Someone might break in and take her. Someone might call social services because we let her cry and she’s been going for hours. They might seem irrational fears to some. But to me, that is my worst nightmare. 5 years ago I gave up a baby and I believe some of the fear comes from there.

So when I say “am I doing the right thing for my family?” It comes to am I doing okay with the co-sleeping. What’s your struggle with “Am I doing the right thing for my family?”

Continue reading “Late night thoughts – sleepless nights”